Coffee Talk: Could Same-Sex Marriage Save Hetersexuals From Heartbreak

As the debate over legalizing same-sex marriage grows louder and more polarized, there are people whose support for the proposal is personal but not often talked about. They are the former spouses of marriages that ended when their partner admitted and/or discovered they were gay. Many of these former spouses — some of whom still feel raw resentment toward their exes — see the legalization of same-sex marriage as a step toward protecting not only homosexuals but also heterosexuals. If homosexuality was more accepted, they say, they might have been spared doomed marriages followed by years of self-doubt.

The Straight-Up Truth About the Down-Low
He was her first love and promised to be her last, Joy Parker said. They had met in high school but had lost touch for decades, until she received a message from him through Classmates.com. It came a day after she’d been looking nostalgically at prom photos of the two of them.

“It was like we were meant to be together,” Parker said. In 2004, at 43, she traveled across the country, from California to Virginia, to move in with him. By the end of that year, they were married. “He seemed like the perfect husband, buying flowers, gifts.”

Then, as she tells it, came the night she decided to check her husband’s voice mail. “There were two messages from a guy calling him ‘Baby’ and telling him how good he looked,” Parker said. She says she woke him up to confront him. “His eyes got huge, and he said, ‘You’re going to try to destroy me.’ I said: “Destroy you? What about me?’ ”

Reached by phone, Parker’s ex-husband, who did not want to be identified, denied that a man left him that message and said he is not gay.

Parker, who was raised in a church where she was taught that homosexuality was wrong, said she goes back and forth on the issue of same-sex marriage. Even if it is allowed, she said, there will always be men and women who deny they are gay and who marry heterosexuals. It’ll take much more than changing the law to alter perceptions about homosexuality.

“Socially, we’ll just have to see it as normal,” she said. “That’s the only way.”

Straight Spouses: The Unseen Factor

Kimberly Brooks lives in Arlington County, and was 28 when she met Robert Webb on a blind date. He was perfect: tall, handsome and a lawyer. As a husband, she said, he treated her “wonderfully,” celebrating with champagne the day she got her master’s degree. They talked about having children.

Webb said he never meant to hurt her.

“I married her because I loved her,” said Webb, a lawyer in Orlando whose firm has an office in the District. “I married her because I wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together. We had lived together, and things were fine. I thought I had conquered that thing I didn’t want to be.”

But then he met the man he’s been with since. “And there was this incredible overriding basic attraction that drove everything else out of my life,” he said. “It was no longer a matter of mind over matter.”

Webb, who views his 23-year union with his partner as a marriage even if it’s not recognized in Florida, said that even if same-sex marriage had been legal at the time, he still would have married Brooks. “I didn’t want to be gay,” he said. He estimates that he lost two-thirds of his friends when he came out, including one who sent him a Bible.

“You want the things you’re taught to want,” Webb said. “You want the life you’re taught to want.”

Brooks, who is starting a therapy group for straight spouses, said that for a long time, she neither favored nor opposed same-sex marriage. But as the D.C. Council prepares to vote on the matter next month, she thinks about her former husband.

“It would be heartbreaking if in Rob’s final days his partner was not allowed to be in the hospital with him, was not allowed to make decisions for him,” she said. “And he’s the one person Rob would want there.”

Do you think legalizing gay marriage, would eventually create a more accepting view of homosexuality? Could a more accepting society help people form happier, healthier relationships and marriages?